Note from Ron Swanson
by Ron Swanson
I just learned some truly horrific news. If there are children reading this, please avert their eyes.
Hank Trimspforth has changed the business hours of his butcher shop. He will now be closing at 4 p.m. as well as all day Sunday. I called Hank to discuss the situation but he declined to comment, which I damn well respect. Please plan your meat needs accordingly.
My sincere apologies for the solemn newsletter posting.
My Plans for 2013
by Andy Dwyer
I, Andy Dwyer, rock star and future cop, have come up with some New Year’s revolutions for 2013. In no particular order:
• Become a cop and break up an underground street fighting ring by going undercover and becoming their #1 fighter, and then when I finally openly challenge the secretive and reclusive kingpin of the ring for his title, I put him in a headlock and scream, “You’re under arrest, punk. You have the right to remain… imprisoned.” I come home a hero and kiss my wife!
• Headline with Dave Matthews at a benefit concert for America’s children.
• Reverse damage to Earth caused by global warming. I come home a hero and kiss my wife.
• Perfect my nacho recipe.
See you in 2013, America!