Volume 4, No. 4

January 10, 2013

Happy New Year!

by Leslie Knope

 

Hello Pawnee!

2013 is upon us. That’s right. We put the finishing touches on our Best of 2012 lists at 11:59 p.m. on December 31st, then filed them away and got a head start on our Best of 2013 lists right when the clock struck midnight. We locked up our personal 2012 Time Capsule and buried it in our backyards. We bought our very first lime green colored binder to coordinate with our 2013 resolutions because quite frankly we’re running out of color options. Yes, we’ve prepared plenty to ring in 2013, but there is still one thing from 2012 that needs to be addressed in the new year:

(The following is a City Hall announcement to be posted in all department newsletters.)

Clump Find Clump – Clump, the pet hamster of Terry Chad in public works has been missing since Christmas. You may have noticed the huge community campaign that started a couple of weeks ago with posters in the parks and a Facebook page with updates of where he was last sighted. We can’t stress this enough: if you sight the hamster, just pick it up – you don’t need to report the sighting first. Also, Terry knows Clump well, so please do not go purchase a new hamster and tell him it’s Clump – we have already tried that. Finally, if you see Terry with a hamster, that does not mean Clump has been found, that is most likely one of his other 16 hamsters.

A few Parks notes: still draining the field in Harvey James Park from that truck accident in September; if you see any orange weeds in our parks please call that in (ext. 7820) and do not touch them; January Stew Off is cancelled (due to brushfires).

Happy New Year!

Leslie Knope

 

Horn Blower Warning: First and Last

by Donna Meagle

 

To Whom Is Blowing That New Year’s Horn Two Weeks After New Year’s,

Hello. I know you got that horn on New Year’s and think it’s funny and/or festive and/or charming to keep blowing it throughout your day. Well, let me assure you it is not. You are near my office, and when I hear it, you are disrupting my personal space. Consider my ears my own property and your horn a weapon – what you are doing is technically assault. This is your first and last warning. Shut it down.

Happy New Year,.

D

 

Note from Ron Swanson

by Ron Swanson

 

I just learned some truly horrific news. If there are children reading this, please avert their eyes.

Hank Trimspforth has changed the business hours of his butcher shop. He will now be closing at 4 p.m. as well as all day Sunday. I called Hank to discuss the situation but he declined to comment, which I damn well respect. Please plan your meat needs accordingly.

My sincere apologies for the solemn newsletter posting.

 

My Plans for 2013

by Andy Dwyer

 

I, Andy Dwyer, rock star and future cop, have come up with some New Year’s revolutions for 2013. In no particular order:

• Become a cop and break up an underground street fighting ring by going undercover and becoming their #1 fighter, and then when I finally openly challenge the secretive and reclusive kingpin of the ring for his title, I put him in a headlock and scream, “You’re under arrest, punk. You have the right to remain… imprisoned.” I come home a hero and kiss my wife!

• Headline with Dave Matthews at a benefit concert for America’s children.

• Reverse damage to Earth caused by global warming. I come home a hero and kiss my wife.

• Perfect my nacho recipe.

See you in 2013, America!

 

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