Volume 3, No. 4
January 12, 2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

by Leslie Knope


Hello, Pawnee!

I love the New Year, because it’s the time for New Year’s Resolutions! I stay up all the way until midnight on December 31st just to come up with them. I categorize them by different parts of my life, and yes, I have specific resolutions for the Parks Department. 420, to be exact, within 6 different sub-sections. Here are just a few of the most important:

A Selection of Leslie Knope’s 2012 Parks Department New Year’s Resolutions

Resolution #134: Install new drainage system in Tucker Pond.
Resolution #135: Once drained, transition Tucker Pond back into Tucker Park.
Resolution #214: Re-cement the crack at the Community Center that’s leaking that glow/smell.
Resolution #266: Expand Pawnee Whiffle Ball League to 16 teams.
Resolution #267: Train other people how to ump for whiffle ball games so I can get some of my Tuesday and Thursday evenings back.
Resolution #288: Invent “mailbox converter.” (NOTE: I do not know what this one means. I was lying in bed one night unable to sleep and I suddenly had an idea that would revolutionize the way governments around the world would be run, and it was called a “Mailbox Converter” and it was the best idea anyone’s ever had; so I wrote it down in the journal I keep by my bed for just such an occasion and went to sleep, super happy that I had come up with the world’s greatest idea, and then when I woke up and looked at the journal, I had no idea what it meant. So I am including it here, mostly because: if anyone out there has any idea what a “mailbox converter” could possibly be, please contact me at the Parks Department immediately.)
Resolution #310: Get to the gym more (that one’s really a personal resolution).

May all your resolutions come true!

Leslie Knope
Deputy Director, Parks and Recreation


NOTE FROM RON SWANSON’S OFFICE

by Ron Swanson

I heard there was a rumor going around that I do not know how to drive a commercial flatbed pickup truck. I am not writing this to address that rumor, as it is ridiculous. I am writing this to update you on the Parks Department, which is doing well. And, if you ever happen to hear a story about me not being able to operate any kind of machinery, just know that it is untrue and move on with your life.
Ron Swanson.



CITY MANAGER’S NOTE

by Chris Traeger
City Manager

Yesterday while jogging I had many epiphanies. Some of them had to do with my turkey burger recipe (hint: coriander), while some of them had to do with my flossing regimen (updates coming soon!). But the most important one had to do with running itself! Neat!

Running is so much fun. It invigorates the body and activates the mind. It provides vital thinking time, when you can get in touch with your inner harmony and spirit, or chakra. I want to share this magnificence with all of you. My epiphany was: I am starting a running club! It will be called “Running with Chris Traeger.” Every week, we’ll gather in front of City Hall at 4:30 a.m. for a three-hour run, followed by 30 minutes of meditation and a gluten-free, all-natural energy drink I’ve created called “Liquid, by Chris Traeger.”

Please sign up with my assistant, Kim, or you can just tell me yes in person when I see you in the halls or at your desks. Time to run!

 


MEAGLE’S MOMENT


by Donna Meagle

Whoever came by my desk and borrowed my stapler – something that does NOT belong to you – needs to return it immediately. I don’t go to your office and borrow your pens, or go to your house and sleep with your husband. But I will. Return it by tomorrow morning or it’s on.



THIS WEEK IN THE PARKS DEPARTMENT

by Andy Dwyer


Hello, Pawnee! You are about to witness me, Andy Dwyer, half-musician-half-assistant, attempt a world record by writing this column while eating lunch. So far, I am doing pretty good. Five minutes in and I have typed this and finished my burrito. Now, to take one laaassst sip of my coke… and… done. I did it!

You are all witnesses!

Andy Dwyer
Official World Record Holder



Leslie Knope for City Council

Leslie Knope for City Council

Leslie Knope for City Council

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