Volume 3, No. 4
January 12, 2012

WELCOME!

by Leslie Knope


Dear Ardent Supporters,

OH MY GOD, WE’RE BACK AGAIN (sung like the opening of “Everybody” by the Backstreet Boys, obviously)! Friends, I am beyond ecstatic to be writing another newsletter from the comfort of my oak desk, inside my cozy office, within the regal building that is Pawnee, Indiana’s glorious City Hall. That’s right — the government shutdown is finally over, so your Parks Department can at last get back to doing what we do best: serving up outdoor fun in the Indiana sun! (As soon as it stops raining.)

As I type this, our parks are being reopened across the city — gates are being unlocked, possum nests are being dismantled, and raccoons are being rounded up by the dump truckloads. In short, the parks are ready for use again! Sadly, due to crushing budget cuts we are currently in “maintenance mode,” meaning we have very little to offer in the way of “activities.” But we have some big plans for how to make things better, and the parks are open — which is a good start.

Warm regards,

Leslie Knope
Deputy Director, Parks and Recreation


NEWS AND NOTES

from your Parks Department


• “Free Public Wi-Fi” at Circle Park! Don’t click on it! It’s a bogus network with a virus inside! This could be written clearer but there’s no time!

• Apologies if you’ve tried to contact us lately — our director’s assistant, April Ludgate, was mistakenly forwarding calls to the morgue at St. Joseph’s Hospital for two months. We also apologize to the morgue.

• Bring your coziest and thickest picnic blankets to Ramsett Park this week! The grounds were just sprayed with a potent fungicide, and limbs should remain at least 2″ above the soil.

• UPDATE on the deer lost in Wamapokestone Park — our Park Safety team tracked down the buck last night, cornered him, and spooked him into an effluent tunnel. He is now the Sewage Department’s concern. Enjoy the park!



RON

by Ron Swanson

Photo of under my desk. Looks the same as I left it.

 


HEALTH CHECK


by Ann Perkins


Leslie Knope here. Guess what? She’s baaaaaack! Ann Perkins wonderful nurse, that is! I trust her with my life, so we once turn to the radiant registered nurse for our health update:

Greetings from St. Joseph’s Medical Center, or, as the nurses are calling it these days, Mucous Central. A crazy flu is passing through Pawnee, so remember these three simple health tips as you go about your day:

1. Wash your hands. Then use hand sanitizer, then wash them again. Honestly, based on what we’re seeing, maybe also wear leather gloves everywhere. And stay inside your house, and don’t touch anything, and sleep in a plastic bubble. I’m serious — this flu is nuts.

2. Drink plenty of fluids. Clear fluids. This means no Pawnee tap water, people.

3. Take a lot of Vitamin C. Zinc can also help. Herbal remedies are unproven, but they can’t hurt. Basically, always be ingesting some kind of vitamin. You know what? Just get out of town. That may be bad advice or something, and maybe it’ll like incite a panic, but I swear, this flu is nasty.

Great tips, Ann. You’ve done it again! Knope out.



THE ART CORNER

by Jerry Gergich


My wife Gayle and I just got back from seeing some lovely Indiana art, and it was the most splendid thing we did in a long time. I wanted to tell you all about it.

Our first stop was the Creekrock Village Museum right here in Pawnee, where there was a lovely exhibition of oil work by the late Lindra Von Dietrickdorn. Von Dietrickdorn is known for her great work, “Battlefields,” which are depictions of the skirmishes between Pawnee settlers and the native Wamapoke Indians. Sadly, she died before she could paint all of them, stopping at #2205. But they are something special, let me tell you.

Next, we went to The Tellenson Museum of Greek Antiquity in Bloomington, where I was absorbed by a truly magnificent painting of a forest ritual. The depictions of the nymphs… they were so nubile, and quite compelling. And the goddesses are so powerful and erotic. [Note from Tom: Jerry is a perv!] It was truly a soul-stirring, and titillating, experience. [Note from Tom: see? He was staring at those painting ladies’ boobs!]

That’s all for what’s happening in [my pants]. I’ll see you [in front of naked paintings of ladies]!

Sincerely,
Jerry [Perv-meister]

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