Volume 4, No. 4

February 1, 2013

The Spring Catalog Has Arrived

by Leslie Knope

 

Hello everyone in Pawnee Land, it’s your Parks Department deputy director/city councilwoman, and I’ve got a VERY exciting announcement! What is it? Are you dying to find out? Are you at the edge of your seat? If so, then you’re in the perfect reading position. If not, get closer to the edge. Closer. Closer. Closer. If you fell off, get back on. Okay, great, you’re there. Now get even closer to the edge because here… it… comes…

(Pause for effect.)

The Spring Catalog is here!! (If I were there right now with you, I’d be playing a trumpet fanfare and throwing confetti up in the air because it’s just that exciting.)

Yes! The Spring 2013 Catalog has arrived and we’ve got some awesome new courses. I’m most excited to take Harry Potter’s Wheel – where Irma Frenchak will be teaching us how to make all the different kinds of pottery found in the background of the Harry Potter movies (or, as they’re more commonly known, the best movies of all time). Finally, you’ll have something beautiful in which to display the handmade wands you made in the winter 2012-13 class Harry Potter’s Woodshop (grumpily supervised by Ron Swanson). This course will FOR SURE fill up fast so get your applications in quickly!!

As you can no doubt see, spring 2013 is going to be our best season yet! And then it’ll summer 2013 and then fall 2013, and then it will just keep getting better and better.

Forever a Student, Forever a Pawneean,
Leslie Knope

 

Help Needed

by Donna Meagle

 

Sorry for the personal post, but I’m trying to cast a wide net:

Single woman looking for three men to help her fulfill various tasks on February 14th. Duties will be (but not limited to): cooking, cleaning, pedicures, back rubs and so on. Please send resumes and a recent photograph to Donna.Meagle@PawneeIndiana.com.

DM

P.S. This whole posting is a joke – BECAUSE MEAGLE DOESN’T NEED ANY MORE MEN IN HER LIFE.

P.P.S. If you think you’re fine enough (Taye Diggs and up), then you may send in a photo (full body). No response guaranteed.

 

A Note from Ron Swanson

Dictated by April Ludgate

 

The game “Jenga” is absurd. Any game that a child can beat you in is not a game at all. The wooden game pieces are also inconsistent. A game that relies on structure stability must at least provide properly sanded and weighted wood. I also do not like the game “Sorry.” Please submit my thoughts to the Parker Brothers and direct their attention to the game of chess.

Regards,

Ron Swanson

 

THE FLU IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

by Ann Perkins

 

Did I get your attention, yet, people? (Are there too many exclamation points? Let me know, Leslie. – Ann [You can never have too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – Ed. (Leslie Knope)]). The flu is here, and you don’t want to get it! The best thing you can do to prepare is to get your flu shot and rest as much as possible. Also drink lots of fluids, like water, juice and chicken soup.

But I also want to issue a warning. Sweetums has a new product they’re marketing as a cold remedy. Be warned: IT IS NOT A COLD REMEDY. It is called Sweetums Cold IV™. It is NOT medication and it barely even counts as a fluid. It is almost 100% high fructose corn syrup. It’s called “cold” because it’s cold. And IV is the Roman numeral four, not intravenous therapy.

Please stay healthy and happy and if you see someone who is sick, run away as fast as you can. The flu is serious business. You’ve been politely warned!!

 

ValenTEEN’s Day Dance Announcement

 

Teens! And parents of teens! This year’s ValenTEEN’s Day Dance at the youth center is getting a last-second face-lift! It’s a formal event now! Whaaaaat? Formal? But where will I get my dope formal wear at such late notice and for an affordable price? I gotta be honest, it’s not easy; the only place that even remotely comes to mind is a little big deal classy joint with flare called Rent-a-Swag. They’ve got all 43 varieties of pin stripe, including, but not limited to: wide, diagonal and even thin! If you refer this posting to a friend you will receive the pleasure of doing your friend a favor. Pay it forward. That is the true essence of a discount. Rent-a-Swag. Dress Loud. This is Jerry Gergich by the way.

 

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