Volume 5, No. 6

April 7, 2014

CATALOG THIS!

by Leslie Knope

 

Pawnee is the worst town ever in history. So…

April Fool’s! Okay, I know I know. April Fool’s Day was a few days ago, but I just couldn’t resist. But seriously, though – Pawnee is the most amazing place humanity has ever created. That needed to be said and confirmed before I could continue.

OMG EXCITING NEWS ALERT! The Parks Department’s Summer Catalog should be arriving in your mailboxes soon, full of all the great courses we’ll be offering this year. But for our newsletter readers, here’s a sneak peek at some of the exciting classes we’re cookin’ up:

 TOGA YOGA – It’s Yoga with a twist… you wear a toga!!!

 EXTREME QUILTING – Back by popular demand, this quilting class will teach you some of the most advanced techniques out there. Backwards binding. Dresden patterns. The Drunkard’s Path block. As you can see, this course is not for the faint of heart.

 WHEELBARROW RACING – The 100-year ban on wheelbarrow racing in Pawnee officially ended in March, so we can finally offer this class! Learn how to build your own wheelbarrow racecar and then compete in races against your classmates. But remember, if another wheelbarrow race ends in a duel, we’re likely to see the ban return. Be safe out there.

And that’s all you’re gonna get! For the rest of the classes, check out the catalog when it comes out, and then sign up right away to reserve your spot. You don’t want to end up like Cynthia Proatsch who missed out on taking Introductory Ocarina last year with legendary ocarina player Hank Johnson-Cooley. And now he’s dead. So that will never ever, ever happen now.

See you in the park!
Leslie Knope

 

APRIL’S CORNER… OF HELL!!

by April Ludgate

 

Dear Sir or Madam,

The Ministry of Shrews, Warlocks and Gorgons International is now accepting applications for our summer internship program!

Applicants should:

 Be craggy and withered
 Display a willingness to refuse instructions out of spite
 Know a good place to destroy stuff
 Feel most alive in the presence of others’ discomfort
 Own a bat or know someone who owns a bat

Be sure to include a letter of recommendation from someone you truly despise as well as someone who truly despises you.

Please let me know if you have questions – and, of course, best of luck to all the applicants!

Be gone!
April Ludgate
Head Shrew
Ministry of Shrews, Warlocks and Gorgons International

 

 

PERMITS DESK ANNOUNCEMENT

by Donna Meagle

 

Do not talk to me about Scandal. Do NOT talk to me about Scandal. DO not talk to me about Scandal. Do not TALK to ME about SCANDAL.

I’m gonna be absolutely crystal clear here. So get close and read this good:

DO. NOT. TALK. TO ME. ABOUT. SCANDAL.

DM

 

NOTE FROM RON SWANSON

 

While commuting to work today, I saw that a black walnut tree had fallen on the side of the road in the night. I pulled over to admire the beauty, only to discover saw marks in the trunk. This tree clearly was felled by man, not by nature. And so I say to whoever cut down that tree:

Thank you. I will make a fine bed out of its wood.

Ron Swanson

 

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