Volume 3, No. 4
January 12, 2012

WELCOME!

by Leslie Knope


Hello, My Pawnee Friends!

Dark are the days at City Hall. The government remains shut down, and that, sadly, spells a Pawnee summer without some of your favorite activities, brought to you by the Parks and Recreation department. No Fourth of July Fireworks and Raccoon Melee Extravaganza. No Annual Corn Castle Building Contest. No softball game between the Edward Phillips Senior Center and the evil Eagleton Elderly Estates. No Annual Corn Castle Conquering Contest. And – with deep sadness – no Kevin Franklin Parade, commemorating that great summer day, 32 years ago, when Pawnee got its first college student.

But it’s not good-bye forever to those things because good work is being done by yours truly. So wipe away those tears, Leslie (and everyone else). We will return better and stronger than ever! As soon as this massive, disastrous, crippling budget crisis is settled!

The Parks Department is a lonely place right now as I hold down the fort. But the spirits of Ron Swanson, Tom Haverford, April Ludgate, Donna Meagle, and shockingly, even Jerry Gergich live on through me. Oh Tom, my little Indian friend, I miss your child-like energy and size. Andy’s still around the halls, so he’ll be reporting to you straight from the Shoeshine Stand. And the smartest most beautiful nurse in the land, Ann Perkins, still has her health tips for you. But Ron and Tom, I salute you in the best way I know how – making sure your sections of this newsletter continue on.

Long live the Parks and Recreation Department! Long live Pawnee, Indiana!

Sincerely,
Leslie Knope
Deputy Director, Parks and Recreation


PAWNEE AFTER DARK

by Tom Haverford
(This edition written by Leslie Knope)


Leslie Knope here. In an effort to truly replicate Tom’s “After Dark” column, I’m going to do my best to channel his trendy, “After Dark” voice. Don’t worry, though – I’ve translated the hippest parts in parentheses:

Whaazzz up, Pawnee? L-Knope here, filling in for Tommy Timberlake and ready to talk up the baddest (baddest means “best” in this context) nightlife in Pawnee.

Without question, my favorite nightclub is THE BULGE, a hip gay bar built atop an early Pawnee city council bathhouse! The dudes there really know how to party like it’s 1999 (have a good time), and are welcoming to everyone – they make this straight girl feel just like a gay man!

Another must-visit hot spot is JJ’S DINER. While JJ’s isn’t exactly open at night (they close at 9), I suggest you and your homies (friends) steer the party train (your activities) there after the clubs shutter (close) but before crashing (sleeping) at your cribs (go in the morning). Be sure to get the waffles – they cure any hangover! (Don’t drink and drive.)

Whew. I hope that made sense. I’m pretty cool, but writing like that’s hard. I’m literally sweating right now. Miss you, Tom! Leslie out. (Outro borrowed from Ryan Seacrest, the second hippest man I know.)



RON

by Leslie Knope for Ron Swanson


Ron isn’t here to make his usual photo submission, but, in his honor, I found this image online. It disturbs me a little, so I think he’d like it very much.

 


HEALTH CHECK


by Ann Perkins (This edition written by Leslie Knope)

Yep, it’s Leslie again! The best nurse ever born and that will ever be born, Ann Perkins, is out of town at a health convention this week, but don’t worry – I kept re-dialing her cell phone until she could pick up and share her amazing health advice with you. And since my paraphrasing can’t do her wise words justice, I’ll just transcribe exactly what she said on the phone:

Leslie, the keynote speaker’s on stage – I really can’t talk. Um, just say I said to drink plenty of water this summer – wait, I said that last time. Tell them mosquito bites can be treated with water and baking soda. (Sounds of people shushing/yelling at Ann in the background.) Okay, sorry! I’m hanging up!!- (Line goes dead.)

Boom! Another great health tip from the legendary Ann Perkins, RN. Now go out and get bitten by bugs…when you’re covered in chalky paste and itching a little less, you’ll know who to thank!



OVERHEARD AT THE SHOESHINE STAND

by Andy Dwyer

Oh hey everyone. With the government shut down and me in casts, it’s a lot more quieter here. My friends are gone. April is gone. I even miss Kyle. Ugh, I hate Kyle. He’s so annoying but good for business and so what if I miss his little round face. Well anyway, my friends, here’s the gossip possip…

You know the whole government shut down? It’s still going on. People say there’s no end in sight. More to come.

Chris Tracer and Ben something are constantly working in their office. Sometimes Ben stops by for some gum.

A certain city councilman was seen walking with 3 attractive women, 1 short man, and 2 dogs the other day. Then they all went into the men’s bathroom for some time. I had to go you-know-what, so I tried to get into the bathroom, but it was locked. I wonder what they were doing in there. Probably secret budget discussions.

That’s pretty much it. I hope the government gets turned on soon. I miss everyone. And now, the Shoeshine Tip of the Month:

Shining with two hands is better than one.

Until next time, this is Andy Dwyer, you’re inside scoopist!

© 2012 City of Pawnee and its licensors. All rights reserved.