Volume 3, No. 4
January 12, 2012

THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE!

by Leslie Knope


Olympics or not… here I come! That’s my Summer Olympics motto that I’m working on. I hope you liked it. But, I’m always willing to improve, so let me know if you didn’t. Or if you did. Positive feedback is nice, too.

I love the Olympics – the global camaraderie, the pride of the home nation, the spectacle of the opening and closing ceremonies. I also love the Olympics because they remind us of the challenges still facing humanity – for we all have our own “hurdles” to “jump over,” and our own “batons” to “pass.” And who among us, in our lives, doesn’t have our own “Team Handball” – which is to say, a thing that is really confusing and that we don’t understand in the slightest.

I also love seeing who gets to light the Olympic flame. One day, I hope that person is me… because I’m officially announcing the first ever Pawnee Local Olympic Games, which I hope will take place in 2016! Local athletes will compete in track and field events at the Pawnee Community College track. Swim events in the public pools. And maybe some Pawnee-specific demonstration sports, like something that combines archery and raccoon hunting. (Just shooting raccoons with arrows – we could really use the help.)

More details will follow in the coming months and years, but my hands are already tingling with excitement due to the sheer hypothetical possibilities! Olympics or not… here I come! (How is that sitting with you after the second usage? Let me know.)


TECHNICAL SUPPORT

FROM ANDY DWYER

TO WHOM I AM CONCERNED,

EVERY LETTER I TYPE IS BEING CAPITALIZED. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. QUITTING THE PROGRAM, AND DELETING EVERYTHING AND THEN RE-TYPING IT. I HAVE HIT ALMOST EVERY KEY ON THE KEYBOARD AND NOTHING HAS WORKED. I HAVE SPILLED A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS ON THE COMPUTER, SOMETIMES AS AN ATTEMPT TO FIX IT. I HAVE BEEN HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY THIS WHOLE TIME AND THAT’S NOt fixing it. Oh there we go. hahahahAHAHAHA, that was it! THE SHIFT KEY! Don’t worry, I’m all good! Thanks for your HELP I’m DOING IT AGAIN okay there we go!



TOM’S STYLE CORNER

with Tom Haverford

There’s a lot of anger and disappointment over Team USA’s Olympic outfits being made in China. And while, as an American, I share in that sentiment… as an accomplished style maven, I say: bravo, Ralph, on your wonderful design.

These outfits are professional and stylish. Elegant and suave. Fashion forward and comfortable. Classy and modern. And to top it all off – literally – are those dope berets. As I’ve said probably hundreds of times: berets… are… dope.

If anyone is wondering what to get me for my birthday or because you love me and want to prove it with presents… I’ll take the Team USA outfit. In small (or boys’ extra-large)!



ACCEPTABLE SUMMER DRINKS

by Ron Swanson


Lagavulin Whisky. No ice.

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