Volume 3, No. 4
January 12, 2012

WELCOME!

by Leslie Knope


Friends and Pawneeans,

Knope 2012

Yesterday, I officially announced my candidacy for Pawnee City Council! Every time I say it, it gets more and more exciting, and typing it also feels great. It also looks great in stencil and macrame. I have not yet tried silkscreen or heat-transfer-onto-sweatshirt – stay tuned for updates on how that goes.

Pawnee. What a glorious word. Sometimes I like to sing Sister Sledge’s “We Are Family” and replace the lyrics with “Pawnee” over and over again. Try it! It doesn’t really work. You have to draw out the “Pawwwwww” part and it’s awkward. But the sentiment is what matters.

Why am I running? Because I love this town. From the sweet, sticky grass of Tucker Park (an unexpected by-product of the Sweetums factory nougat run-off) to the acres of undeveloped woods and their accompanying swarms of feral raccoons (please keep your eyes open and ears pealed for their distinctive pre-attack “clicking” sound), Pawnee’s majesty is all around us.

And yet, I know I can help make Pawnee even better. I’ll embrace our town’s youth – improving schools, creating fun and engaging programs to nurture young minds. I’ll clean up the parks and make them safer for our citizens and less desirable for the raccoons. Most importantly, I just want to share the love I have for Pawnee with all of you. Because you can’t spell “Pawnee” without Pawneeans. (That’s a possible campaign slogan I am field-testing – please email me with your thoughts.)

Together, let’s make Pawnee first in friendship and fifth in obesity. We’re coming for you San Bernardino, California!

Warm regards,
Leslie Knope
Deputy Director, Parks and Recreation
Candidate for City Council



NOTE FROM RON SWANSON’S OFFICE

by April Ludgate

Ron Swanson took an indefinite vacation, and I filled in for him. Here are some things I did while I was in office.

 

• Opened Ramsett Park every Saturday from midnight to 4:00 a.m.
• Made all bugs illegal, except for worms and snails.
• Watched scary movies with my husband in Ramsett Park, every Saturday, from midnight to 4:00 a.m.
• Fired office manager Jerry Gergich 246 times.
• Planted trees with orphans for a better tomorrow. (Note: this is a lie.)
• Pretended to be a ghost for a week.
• Proposed and approved a Six Flags Theme Park for Pawnee.
• Made Tuesday part of the weekend.
• Got kicked out of Ramsett Park every Saturday night.
• Stole the September newsletter and snuck in this note.

Ron's desk

HEALTH CHECK


by Ann Perkins

Hi everyone. Ann Perkins from the Public Health Department here with your health briefing. I’ve recently learned – in a particularly horrible and demeaning way – that mumps may be going around City Hall. Here are a few urgent health and common sense reminders to all government employees:

1. While mumps is contagious, the disease is spread person-to-person by respiratory droplets. Not just from saying hello or working in the same building. So don’t freak out and come to me to diagnose you. And if you freak out and come to me to diagnose you, please at least have the courtesy to wear pants.

2. If you are infected, it causes painful swelling of the salivary glands and, in males, swelling and pain in the genitalia. In other words: you will know if you have it. So seriously don’t freak out and come to me to diagnose you. And if you freak out and come to me to diagnose you, please at least have the courtesy to wear pants.

3. Most of you don’t have it. You were probably immunized as a kid. And if you have it, it can be treated. So what I’m saying by “don’t freak out” is just stop freaking out and coming to me to diagnose you. And if you freak out and come to me to diagnose you, please at least have the courtesy to wear pants.

Stay healthy!



FAREWELL TO THE SHOESHINE STAND

by Andy Dwyer

Dear Everyone,

It’s been a wild ride. I never thought I’d have to say these words, but I, Andy Dwyer, am leaving the shoeshine game.

Life is a highway. And sometimes you have to take an off-ramp, to get on an on-ramp to another highway. Though I will miss the shoeshine highway, I am super excited to announce that I’ll be riding a new life highway, as an assistant to Leslie Knope! She is going to be the best boss. I never found out who my last boss was, so I already feel like I’m ahead of the game.

To my loyal customers, I know you had a lot of shoeshine stands to choose from, and I want to thank you for choosing mine. I must go now. From here on out, if anyone needs a quick shoe polish, I’m sorry to say that I will have to do it for free. My main priority, now, is shining Leslie’s shoes. I think. I’m actually not really sure what my job is.

Fondly yours,
Andy Dwyer
Assistant to Leslie Knope
Former Shoe-shinist
Lead Singer of Mouse Rat

© 2012 City of Pawnee and its licensors. All rights reserved.