Volume 3, No. 4
January 12, 2012

AUTUMN IS HERE!!!

by Leslie Knope


The kids are back in school. The temperature is dipping. The leaves are falling. What do those things have in common? Spoiler alert: AUTUMN IS HERE!! If you guessed correctly, congratulations, you’re an autumnophile like yours truly! Autumn in Pawnee is one of the wonders of the world. Here are just a few of our awesome upcoming autumn events, brought to you by your Parks Department:

• Spookyville – The good news is the popular haunted village and hayride is back after a 5-year break, thanks to the police investigation and subsequent court case finally ending.

• Pumpkin Carving Bonanza – Get your carving tools out because the annual pumpkin carving contest is on Sunday, October 21st in Circle Park. Friends, Pawneeans, countrymen… lend me your gourds. I’ve always wanted to say that!

So please, come on out and celebrate autumn with us before it’s too late. After all… Winter is coming! (Ben asked me to put this in!)

Until next month… BOO!!

Leslie Knope
Deputy Director
City Councilwoman


SHARE-ARAPY

by Chris Traeger

For those of you who don’t know, I have recently embarked on a new journey into myself, by way of intensive psychotherapy. It turns out therapy is quite literally the healthiest thing one can do for themselves, and nobody should be ashamed of it. So I immediately gave my doctor, Richard Nygard, permission to start a newsletter on the Internet sharing every intimate detail of our sessions. He told me “no.” He said that would be highly unusual and unprofessional for him to do, but that I could do it. So: here we go!

Current therapy status #1: I am extremely depressed. I looked at my calendar today and realized that my favorite Sierra figs are going out of season. It was crushing. They are a digestive system’s best friend, and delicious to boot. I cannot stress enough how predictable my bowel movements are with one fig in the morning. But, as I explained this to Dr. Nygard he directed me to think of the new season. The second he said that, I screamed, “Beets!” Just remember: every end of one season is the beginning of another. In this case: figs and beets! And then Dr. Nygard made me realize this doesn’t just apply to fruits, it can apply to anything in life. But, also, beets are coming!

Current emotional state: delighted.

Yours truly,
City Manager Chris Traeger



MEAGLE MINUTE

by Donna Meagle

Listen up. Somebody is wearing way too much Dennis Feinstein “Radioactive” cologne, and it is stinking up the hallway outside the permits desk. My nostrils can’t take it anymore, and I’m seriously developing some sort of an allergic reaction.

I don’t know who you are, but if you’re reading this right now and wondering if it’s you – then it is you. So get your act together. A single spray is all you need.

And if I smell you coming again, it’s gonna be a rumble. You’ve been warned. Meagle out.



ACCEPTABLE HALLOWEEN MONSTERS

by Ron Swanson


1. Ghost
2. Frankenstein
3. Witch


– Ron Swanson

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