Volume 4, No. 2

November 1, 2012

PAWNEE THANKSGIVING

by Leslie Knope

 

It’s November! Which means so many things! Seriously, I can’t even begin to list the things November means to me; it would take way too many words and cornucopia-themed collages. But one thing is for sure: November, above all else, means Thanksgiving. The day where we gather with loved ones and give thanks for what we have and where we came from, but in Pawnee, Thanksgiving truly represents so much more.

Yes, in many cases it represents tragedy, and sure, in absolutely all of those cases it was a Thanksgiving Wamapoke Treatise that turned into an ambush, and a looting of the Wamapoke. The Thanksgiving Pillage became so predictable that it replaced Thanksgiving as its own holiday, but instead of one day, it lasted a week. And sometimes two weeks depending on the amount of carnage. Usually it was two weeks. But in 1979, things finally changed for the Wamapoke. They were rightfully given multiple retributions and their own Wamapoke Appreciation Month. November!

Sure, these offerings were only made because Pawnee was bankrupt, and the government came to the Wamapoke in need of livestock and gold. But no matter how you celebrate Thanksgiving this year, it is important we remember every little detail of who we are and where we’ve come from. So with that I say: Happy Thanksgiving, Pawnee. And I also say, due to an appendix in the Wamapoke You’re Welcome Treatise of 1979, that in the month of November all government-issued documents must end with the same signature:

Death to the White Man.

Leslie Knope

 

NEWSLETTER POSTING

by Ron Swanson

 

I have learned of “Movember” – a portmanteau of “mo” from moustache and November. It is a movement that promotes the growing of moustaches in November to raise awareness for prostate cancer and other male cancer issues.

Movember has Ron Swanson’s approval. Its Internet domain is www.movember.com.

 

PUMPKIN PIE CONTEST

by April Ludgate

 

This year’s pumpkin pie competition will be a little different.

Requirements:
CANNOT use pumpkins.
CANNOT be a pie.

Must turn your submissions in by tomorrow at exactly midnight. Good luck.

CITY MANAGER’S NOTE

by Chris Traeger

 

My therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, says I need to get back in touch with the things that make me happiest. And when I was a kid, I was never happier than when I would help my mom make the Thanksgiving meal. Now that I’m a fully-grown adult, I get to carry on the tradition… but with a Chris Traeger twist! It wouldn’t be a Traeger Thanksgiving without the following two dishes that water the mouth and delight the taste buds. So if you’ll allow me to take off my City Manager hat and put on my chef hat, we can begin:

Cranberry chutney. This alliterative masterpiece is the backbone of a great meal. Say it yourself, over and over again… cranberry chutney, cranberry chutney, cranberry chutney… let the excitement build. Take a deep inhale of its ginger notes, cinnamon spiciness and cranberry goodness. There is, literally, no dish that excites me more than a cranberry chutney done right. Chris Traeger secret ingredient alert: orange juice!

Pumpkin pie. The world’s best dessert is fully center stage at Thanksgiving, but very few know it can be deliciously vegan. Yes, everyone, blend in about 3/4 pound of soft tofu into your mix and that pie will be velvety smooth and ethically-guilt free! I’m baking an extra baker’s dozen this year as prizes for the first 13 employees who turn in their GPT forms!! So if that’s not motivation, then I truly don’t know what else to do!

Wishing everyone everywhere a warm, happy and delicious Thanksgiving holiday!

 

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